Again

Dear diary,

i did it again

i broke down yet again

after so many years since my last breakdown

i broke, hard

i can't remember clearly when was the last time i broke down in tears

sobbing, gulping down big fat tears

but i accidentally broke again today

in front of someone at work

it was embarrassing to say the least

but i was at my breaking point

is it wrong for me to do so?

i have been feeling vulnerable lately

constantly fighting the demons that are trying to break free

every single day since...

since the day my grandmother passed

i had been fighting myself ever since

trying to stay strong

pushing my way towards happiness

positivity

but lately at that seems too far

out of reach

what else is wrong?

even myself don't know

but what i do know is that they're growing stronger while i grow weaker

day by day

month by month

but i'll keep on fighting

i'll keep on building the same walls around me

to keep the demons inside

far away from my heart, from my thoughts

hope i can be stronger than before and keep on fighting

for the sake of people around me

I My Me Mine

Have you ever felt this?

That feeling where everything is so wrong

Like whatever you do has no meaning

It doesn’t change anything

Or anyone

The feeling where you just want to sit down alone

With just yourself

Doing nothing

Thinking of nothing

Blank, empty mind

Far away in the peace and quiet

That is how i feel nowadays

When you're alone you wanted someone to be there with you

But when you're in a crowd or among people all you want to do is be alone

Sometimes, the mind doesn't understand the heart and it makes everything just wrong

Mr D & Mrs S

I started stalking him again..

And you know what?

Something hit inside my heart

I felt my heart fell

Watching his smile

I remembered the times we spent together, even short

We were just not meant to be

I wanted to be happy for you

But the voice inside my head just had few things to say

“His wife is not that pretty”

“She looks older than him”

“They don’t look good together”

“Why does he look at her like he’s forced to?”

God, what the hell is wrong with you?

You’re happy with your life..your husband is great

Your life is great

What more do you want dude?

However, i pray that you’re happy with her and may your marriage lasts till jannah and be blessed with lil D and S

Side note, his wife’s name is same as mine

Coincidence much? *evil smirk*

My Happily Ever After

Alhamdulillah,

31/3/2018 was the date that i officially became a wife to Muhammad Zulafiq Bin Zulkiflee.

Finally the happiness that I wanted was found.

Even after all the hardships we faced, he was always there for me every step of the way.

He who was patient, accepted my pasts and flaws and for who I was and am.

I thank Allah for making this man my husband.

Honestly, I would never imagined having him in my life especially as my soulmate.

Thank you sayang for always being there for me, through thick and thin. For better and for worse, in sickness and health.

In sha allah I will keep on trying to be the best wife to you, and hoping you to be the same.

It's almost a year since we were officially wedded and I couldn't be happier.

You never ceased to amazed me every day, with your cheeky smile and spontaneous attitude.

It's wrong for me to say that everything is A-okay but at least we have each other to go through all those tough times.

May we be blessed with all the happiness in the world and may Allah ease our journey to Jannah, together every step of the way.

I couldn't ask for a better husband than you, my boo

Moved On, or Have I?

Dear Diary, it's been a while. 

Might probably be because i do not have much to say. 

Or simply the fact that what i want to say was not that important. not until now.

Well, here goes.

He's married. D is married.

Dunno exactly how to express my feelings at the moment.

Lost is most definitely one word for it.

But then again, i'm married myself.

So, why is this a problem.

I mean, this is bound to happen eventually.

Without realizing, I began stalking him again.

Just curious on whether he's updated anything on his own SocMed.

Nothing regarding his wedding, at least not yet.

Just like that, I also began going through his old photos on Instagram.

Then, it hit me. I feel absolutely nothing.

Not jealousy, sadness, happiness. Nothing.

That made me realized, I had moved on from him.

He was not a part of my life anymore.

He was not a part of my heart.

He was gone.

And I was eventually free of him, of his presence.

Because I've accepted the fact that we were never meant to be.

It never was.

But, thanks for the memories anyway.

It was great while it lasted.

Now it's time to focus on our own lives.

Separately.

I pray that you'll be happy with you wife and live a long happy life with her until the end of your breath.

I can finally close a chapter of my life with you.

Goodbye forever, D.

I wish u the best..

Siang td tgk notification kt fon..

Prasan ade yg request nk follow kt insta..

Ble bukak insta jer tlupe nk actually check n approve..

Bru td nie tringat nk check..

Bukak yg 1st ok, jual gelang manik2 tp bley customize nme..

Approve jela sbb aku x follow pn..

Then pegi kt 2nd..trus berhenti kjap jantung aku..

Org yg aku pk aku x akn jmpe lg..

Azwan Zakaria, bestfren aku mse sek..

Aku tgk gmbr latest die..

Die da kawen, ngah tggu 1st baby..

Alhamdulillah, kawen gak kau akhirnye kn..

Lg awal dr aku..

Aku doakn kau bahagia n kekal smpi akhir hayat..

Maafkn aku sbb tolak kau seblum nie..

Mgkin slh aku gak sbb x bg pluang kt kau kn..

Tp aku tetap ngan kputusan aku mse tu..

Pape pn, bgus la sbb kau da bley move on ngan idup kau..

Skang nie fokus kt family kau ye..

Slamat tinggal sahabat..

😊

Some People Never Change

sometimes I wonder why or how I actually fell for you..
I mean, u're never faithful..
u have lots of other 'friends' behind my back..
and when I found out your secret u said that I abandoned you..
u felt lonely, bored..
god, what kind a person are you?
attention whore much?
anyways, i'm glad we're not together anymore..
i dunno why i thought u could change..
i was wrong all along..
and the girl u left me for?
she's a bitch..
why?
because she said she's never going back to u and trusting u again after u made her break up with her previous boyfriend..
and what do we have here?
both of u together again?
great, u wanna know something?
u guys deserve each other..
i pray that u guys end up married with each other..
and play around each other's backs..